Subtle Signs of Memory Improvement in my Adult ADHD

I'll start this post off with pure excitement! I seem to be managing my constipation with stool softener (Docusate Sodium tablets) and so no return of the signs of the Venusian Tapeworms.

Phew. You can open your eyes now. It's okay. Sit down, have a sip of your milk and relax. Read on:

I think one of the more salient effects of ADHD for me I've noticed over the past couple of months (since I've been paying very close attention and reading a lot about ADHD) or so is feeling like I'm struggling on a journey from day to day, from hour to hour - bewilderingly wandering around a darkened building, moving from room to room, not quite sure where one ends, and where the next one begins. It's like I'm going on blind faith. No preparation, no carrying my calendar with me, no arriving early to make sure I'm ready to go. How can I if I can't even figure out the next location? It is like getting caught in a riptide, just struggling to swim, to get somewhere, anywhere. And constantly frustrated at myself for not preparing, for not getting anywhere, for repeating the same gosh-darned mistakes over and over again. Frustrating myself, and frustrating others - my closest friend, my wife. My friends, my family. It's like one of those anxiety dreams where you end up somewhere where you are supposed to be, but either late or way too early, and without the necessary items or without having prepared or studied for that exam etc...

You might notice the flowing nature of my previous paragraph. That's because this stuff is so familiar to me. I own it, it owns me - it is an easy habit. It reminds me of the etymological source of the word 'habit' - i.e. a habit was clothing monks wore, a piece of clothing they inhabited. A condition, demeanor, appearance, or dress.

Colleagues and friends could look at me and say 'Uhm, you seem confident, you seem certain, you seem experienced and okay' and wonder what all this struggling stuff is about. But - you see - I've learned over the decades to be very camouflaged. My impulsiveness was draped in a clever (or bizarre) sense of humour. My forgetfulness was managed with excuses and frantic catch-ups, and the not-so-occasional Hail Mary pass. My lack of preparation was mitigated by years of learning how to read subtle cues in language and body language so I could bullshit my way through stuff. Unfortunately, bullshitting myself through stuff is the perfect way to erode my self-esteem, my pride, of diminishing the possibilities of developing a sense that I am getting through stuff using honest, healthy, and ethical methods and means.

Today, and over the last couple of days, I found it it easier to decide to hold my tongue and avoid making a crack during a tense meeting to reduce the pressure on a colleague, to distract the attacker, or to fill an uncomfortable moment with humour or to interrupt someone with an impulsive non-sequitur. I'm finding myself more frequently saying 'alright, let's move on' to myself and breaking out of perseverative hyper-focusing.

Today I was imbued with a subtle sense of confidence and optimism. At work I am generally quite busy. Mondays are especially so, I find. I'm going from meeting to meeting, I have one on one meetings with staff members, and work on my own projects and deliverables. I observe my staff with the eyes and ears of a psychologist, and approach work as though I am in university learning new things and also enjoying sharing my knowledge and skills and working with colleagues towards the goal of education and learning about their skills and knowledge. Sharing. I enjoy my job.

But when I'm overwhelmed with all of that toxic stuff, it is hard to enjoy my job, and to be an effective listener, collaborator, educator, sharer.

Well, I don't know if it is the Strattera (in only 4 short days - not all that likely), but I feel like the light has come on in the darkened building a bit for me. I made my way through the day without anxiously consulting my calendar and to-do list and making notes with wide, worried eyes lest I forget things. I still caught myself a few times going places and having forgotten something, but I'm seeing those occasions as being more accidental or explainable due to factors other than working memory deficits.

It's like I just know what to do next. It's the weirdest thing to describe, such a subtle and odd sensation. Not quite confidence, and not quite certainty, but almost like that sense of freedom a kid gets when their bicycle's safety wheel is removed, and they find themselves riding about in zig-zags without falling or faltering.

So - a good day all in all. I know good days come with bad days, and I'll always have to work at this. I'm not being a Pollyanna, or succumbing to the Valence Effect - but I'm okay to feel good and confident today, knowing that tomorrow may bring something different.

Hope y'all had a good day, and are enjoying your evening. My wife is sleeping, recovering from a bad cold and a throat that she says feels like she's swallowed razor-blades (ouch). My little boy is fast asleep hugging his little teddy bear and looking cuter than anything in the whole universe. My dog is snoring gently in his doggie tent a few feet away. And it is time soon for me to go to sleep.

Cheers,

Mungo

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