The Racing Thoughts of Adult ADHD

For all of my adulthood, I have gone to bed very late. Now that I am getting some perspective on ADHD, and learning about the symptoms, and the neuropsychological underpinnings of the disorder, I can understand why. I never wanted to lay down in a quiet bed and listen to my brain revving, so I would exhaust myself until I literally passed out. Or in the past I would have a few (or more) drinks. That would dull the cavalcade of mental imagery.

Imagine you've got a nice vintage Mustang car. You've got it in your driveway. Your friend drops by and asks if he can sit in the driver's seat and turn on the ignition to hear the classic engine. You answer "yes, go ahead". He smiles, turns the ignition over and then jams his foot down on the pedal and the engine races out of control, your eyes bug out and you feel out of control. That's what it can be like with ADHD.

I think fast. I talk fast. I read fast. People have always commented on the fact that I can read a page of text about 10 times faster than Superman. But this isn't like bipolar disorder where there can be an unceasing pressure to spit words out, and often the utterances end in nonsense. Where the thoughts are inchoate, indecipherable jumbles of ecstatic confusion. No, this is simply because my brain runs very fast, and I either talk quickly or think quickly. If I can match my thinking and actions with my environment, then I feel in sync and I feel okay - assuming I am populating my environment with activity and excitement (TV channel surfing, internet surfing, multi-tasking, talking, reading several books at once, engaging in several hobbies - you name it). But turn down the tempo on my environment and then I become uncomfortably conscious of the tempo of my thoughts, the racing, the sensation that I cannot control the speed of my thoughts.

So I don't go to bed until I'm worn out. I can sit by myself for hours, but I have to be reading or doing something. I going solo camping, but I'm always exploring the woods, or collecting firewood, or cooking, or arranging. Alone with my thoughts, yes, but always matching the tempo of my internal world with the tempo of my external world.

I described the train of thoughts in my head to the psychiatrist in my assessment back in April/May like that of a a lumberjack who is racing on rotating logs in a river. You have to keep running lest you tumble into the water and get crushed by the massive logs. It is beyond your control.

As I was falling asleep (or at least trying to) a couple of weeks ago, I came up with a new metaphor. I imagined a large boiling pot of soup with chunks of vegetables and chicken and such in it. Each item that boiled to the top was a thought, quickly to be replaced by another totally different one - over and over and over. I am now able to describe accurately a mental experience I've had for years: I'll be thinking (either as I'm laying in bed, or just generally during the day), and have an intriguing, or useful thought, and then all of a sudden it will be displaced by another train of thought - and I'm only left with the sense that I had something interesting to think about - and can't remember the damned thing! Quite frustrating! Sure this happens to everyone. But constantly? The only way to avoid this is for me to hyperfocus (or engage in perseverative hyper-concentration).

But something interesting has been taking place recently. And I suspect it is due to the effects of the Strattera, and to a lesser degree, my own learning about the disorder, and new coping strategies that I am putting into place in my life. The racing thoughts I experience as I lay down at night, or simply during the day when I am in a quiet environment - the racing thoughts aren't there as much. At times there is almost a calm silence. A sensation of openness. Of alert calm. Hard to describe, but it is a wonderful sense. I am wondering if my dopaminergic and nor-adrenergic pathways are beginning to balance out, or somehow become tuned and working smoothly. Maybe that's what is happening as this selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (Atomoxetine - Strattera) takes effect in my brain.

Strange to reflect on it - but now that I've had several experiences lately of this calm alertness, this alert tranquility, I realize now that all of my life has been spent fighting against the rushing of thoughts and of both mental hyperactivity and impulsivity. What a drag that has been. What a darned drag (I am trying to remain family friendly, but substitute any adjective you'd like). Sad in a way, I feel bad for that guy who was me, all that time, never knowing that it wasn't normal to be fighting this. I always put it down to just being a nervous or insecure guy.

Anyway, I'm feeling good about this. Now I am trying to put into place more scheduled and early bedtimes for me. I need my beauty sleep of course. I need my brain sleep.

Cheers,

Mungo

Cheers,

Mungo

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You can also follow my tweets at Twitter.com/MungosADHD

The Racing Thoughts of Adult ADHD

For all of my adulthood, I have gone to bed very late. Now that I am getting some perspective on ADHD, and learning about the symptoms, and of the neuropsychological underpinnings of the disorder, I understand why. I never wanted to lay down in a quiet bed and listen to my brain revving, so I would exhaust myself until I passed out. Or in the past I would have a few (or more) drinks. That would dull the cavalcade of mental imagery.

Imagine you've got a nice vintage Mustang car. You've got it in your driveway. Your friend drops by and asks if he can sit in the driver's seat and turn on the ignition to hear the classic engine. You answer "yes, go ahead". He smiles, turns the ignition over and then jams his foot down on the pedal and the engine races out of control, your eyes bug out and you feel out of control. That's what it can be like with ADHD.

I think fast. I talk fast. I read fast. People have always commented on the fact that I can read a page of text about 10 times faster than Superman. But this isn't like bipolar disorder where there can be an unceasing pressure to spit words out, and often the utterances end in nonsense. Where the thoughts are inchoate, indecipherable jumbles of ecstatic confusion. No, this is simply because my brain runs very fast, and I either talk quickly or think quickly.

If I can match my thinking and actions with my environment, then I feel in sync and I feel okay - assuming I am filling my environment with activity and excitement (TV channel surfing, internet surfing, multi-tasking, talking, reading several books at once, engaging in several hobbies, bungie-jumping, sky-diving - you name it). But turn down the tempo on my environment and then I become uncomfortably conscious of the tempo of my thoughts, the racing, the sensation that I cannot control the speed of my thoughts.

So I don't go to bed until I'm worn out. I can be by myself for hours, but I have to be reading or doing something. I can go backcountry solo camping, but there I'm always exploring the woods, or collecting firewood, or cooking, or taking photographs. Alone with my thoughts, yes, but always matching the tempo of my internal world with the tempo of my external world so as not to get overwhelmed.

I described the train of thoughts in my head to the psychiatrist in my assessment back in April/May like that of a a lumberjack who is racing to remain upright on rotating logs in a river. You have to keep running lest you tumble into the water and get crushed by the massive logs. It is beyond your control and it feels threatening.

As I was falling asleep (or at least trying to) a couple of weeks ago, I came up with a new metaphor. I imagine that my mind is like a large boiling pot of soup with chunks of vegetables and chicken and such in it. Each item that boils to the top is a thought, quickly to be replaced by another totally different one - over and over and over. And it takes ages for it to slow down so that I can sleep.

I am now able to describe accurately a mental experience I've had for years: I'll be thinking (either as I'm laying in bed, or just generally during the day), and have an intriguing, or useful thought, and then all of a sudden it will be displaced by another thought - and I'm only left with the sense that I had something interesting to think about - and can't remember the damned thing! Quite frustrating! Sure this happens to everyone. But constantly? I think not.

But something interesting has been taking place recently. And I suspect it is due to the effects of the Strattera, and to a lesser degree, my own learning about the disorder, and new coping strategies that I am putting into place in my life. The racing thoughts I experience as I lay down at night, or simply during the day when I am in a quiet environment - the racing thoughts aren't there as much. At times there is almost a calm silence. A sensation of openness. Of alert calmness. Hard to describe, but it is a wonderful nascent sense. I am wondering if my dopaminergic and nor-adrenergic pathways are beginning to balance out, somehow becoming tuned and working smoothly. Maybe that's what is happening as this selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (Atomoxetine - Strattera) takes effect in my brain.

Strange to reflect on it - but now that I've had several experiences lately of this calm alertness, this alert tranquility, I realize now that all of my life has been spent fighting against the rushing of thoughts and of both mental hyperactivity and impulsivity. What a drag that has been. What a darned drag (I am trying to remain family friendly, but substitute any adjective you'd like). Sad in a way, I feel bad for that guy who was me, all that time, never knowing that it wasn't normal to be fighting this. I always put it down to just being a nervous or insecure guy.

Anyway, I'm feeling good about this. Now I am trying to put into place more scheduled and early bedtimes for me. I need my beauty sleep of course. I need my brain sleep.

Cheers,

Mungo

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, perhaps you'd like to subscribe to the RSS feed.

You can also follow my tweets at Twitter.com/MungosADHD

Titrated up to 50 mg of Strattera & an Adult ADHD / Russell Barkley Video

I went to my doctor this week and he seems to be responding to me in a more effective manner than the previous two visits that I'd had with him. I too was responding differently - not saying much, as I'd had a rough day at work and was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

But my doctor sounded very positive about my progress and asked if I would like to be titrated up from 40 mg of Strattera daily to 50 mg, or "half way to the maximum dose we can consider". I said that I would like that, but would listen to his advice on the matter. I guess I wanted to give him a chance to present his opinion. Plus the fact that he had the ADHD clinic's notes clutched carefully in his hands (suggesting that he had read them and wanted me to know that) made me think he would have some insight.

So he said "Yes, let's do it." And so today I am on 50 mg of Strattera. I drank a litre of water during a meeting this morning. My mistake. One of the key stakeholders is notorious for talking on and on - he just might be distantly related to Fidel Castro. But the water seemed to allay any dry mouth symptoms and so far I've not felt nauseous or anything.

I am pleased with how things are going for me. Work is a bit odd, our company was bought last week (subject to a government body approval) outright, and so we all wonder what sort of redundancies and layoffs might occur... but I'm darned employable, and all the more now that I have the knowledge of my diagnosis and coping skills around Adult ADHD.

When you have some time, have a look at this great Russell Barkley video about ADHD:



Hope you all have a great weekend,

Cheers,

Mungo

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The Hunt: Harvesting, Cooking and Eating a Giant Puffball (Calvatia gigantea) Mushroom

Okay, here's another nature related post. The only thing it has to do with ADHD is that getting out into nature seems to really calm my ADHD brain and restore me for a few days... Has anyone else noticed this effect of getting out into nature?

The other day I went on a hunt in a local conservation area. I harvested, cooked and ate some of a Giant Puffball Calvatia gigantea. These are choice mushrooms, and considered highly edible when still white and firm.


Giant Puffball, with characteristically cratered surface.


This Giant Puffball shows the characteristically cratered surface, along with an almost bi-lobed body.


I pulled a Giant Puffball out of the ground, and you can see the very small 'root' that provides nutrition to it. This was about as thick as a graphite pencil.


Carrying the Giant Puffball was surprisingly tricky. I didn't want to dent it, and at the same time, the weight of it began to make my arm sore. I mean, it wasn't probably more than 5 pounds, but it was bulky.


I put it on the cutting board, took out the frying pan and stared at the rounded beast before me for a few moments.


I started by removing the base. You can see the base interior beginning to turn brown - the eventual state of this Giant Puffball is a big powdery, dry, dark brown crusty ball, emitting spores into the wind as it crumbles into pieces.


I pared away some of the skin and harvested out the white, firm flesh.


Here is a closeup of the marshmallow-like texture. It was cool to the touch, because of the moisture contained within the tissue.


I skinned the beast.


I cut it up into bread slice thickness.


I noticed quickly that I had way too much to consume by myself, and ended up giving some to my neighbour.


I dredged it in flour, salt and black pepper.


I shook off the dredging powder and laid the pieces aside. I was wondering what it would taste like, but soldiered on.


Soon a rich scent filled the kitchen - and the mushroom began to resemble chicken strips.


It smelled glorious. It didn't smell like normal button mushrooms, more like - well, more like chicken and zucchini.


Into the frying pan, I put a little bit of olive oil, and butter. Once it was hot, I laid the strips of the Giant Puffball onto the pan. It sizzled.


I put it onto a plate, and gobbled it all down. It was amazing. I am going to do this again soon, and highly recommend that every single person reading this post, who lives near Giant Puffball mushrooms, immediately go out, harvest, cook and eat some.

Cheers,

Mungo

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A Lunchtime Walk on the Path - Soothing Nature

I find when I get anxious at work, or when it gets a little too much, I like to go for a walk on the path around the campus - it is a 1-mile pathway through some nice undergrowth, and wild areas in the north of Toronto. I noticed today after about 20 minutes, I felt calmer and my thoughts were much smoother, and less scattered and rushing. Nature works for my ADHD!

Here are some pictures that I took:


Bracket Fungus - Polypore.


Unknown Gilled Mushroom.


Wild Grapes - tart and tangy.


Poison Hemlock.

Socrates was executed by being made to drink a potion of poison hemlock.

"Socrates' death is described at the end of Plato's Phaedo. Socrates turned down the pleas of Crito to attempt an escape from prison. After drinking the poison, he was instructed to walk around until his legs felt numb. After he lay down, the man who administered the poison pinched his foot. Socrates could no longer feel his legs. The numbness slowly crept up his body until it reached his heart. Shortly before his death, Socrates speaks his last words to Crito: "Crito, we owe a rooster to Asclepius. Please, don't forget to pay the debt." Asclepius was the Greek god for curing illness, and it is likely Socrates' last words meant that death is the cure—and freedom, of the soul from the body. Additionally, in Why Socrates Died: Dispelling the Myths, Robin Waterfield adds another interpretation of Socrates' last words. He suggests that Socrates was a voluntary scapegoat; his death was the purifying remedy for Athens’ misfortunes. In this view, the token of appreciation for Asclepius would represent a cure for the ailments of Athens."

Poison Hemlock


Aster.


Unknown Berry.


Unknown Berry.


Slightly Out Of Focus Grasshopper.


Immature Dryad's Saddle - very tasty and edible at this stage, or so I have read.


Oyster Mushrooms - Think I'll take some and have them for dinner sometime this week!


Artist's Conk - You can use a twig to gently draw on the white underside of this polypore, and it looks like you have drawn on it with a graphite pencil. Natives of North America made quite an art-form of this, and you can find many current examples for sale on the web.


Artist's Conk.


Artist's Conk.


Oyster Mushrooms.


Oyster Mushrooms.


Oyster Mushrooms.


Unknown - possibly partially decayed Dryad's Saddle.


Oyster Mushrooms.


Common Inkcap - I've posted about this in greater detail before.


Common Inkcap.


Snail Shell.


Cattail Reeds (Typha latifolia) - Fenlander has made Cattail pollen bread.


Cattail Reeds (Typha latifolia) - Owen has made cattail mats.


Cattail Reeds (Typha latifolia) - Make a Cattail duck toy, and look at Jon's nice Cattail woven mats.


Unknown gilled mushroom, growing in pine litter.


Forget the name of this wonderful looking fungus.


Unknown, amazing colouring, firm, growing on dead wood.


Will try to find out what this is - such a nice looking fungus.

I had a great walk, looking forward to what the rest of September and the coming Autumn brings...

Cheers,

Mungo

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I'm Still Here! Improving Day by Day and Getting Things Done!

I'm still here - I haven't posted for 19 days now. I have lots of content built up, but have had other priorities to attend to. Mostly, I've been 'getting things done'. Which is amazing.

I had a week of vacation recently, and I call it a week of 'chorecation' because I did chores. I don't resent this, because I see it as paying down the debt of having not attended to the important, priority things for the last several decades. I'm on my way to changing habits in a good way - I credit the effects that Strattera is making in me - my working memory is improving like crazy, my impulsivity has dwindled considerably, my 'hyperfocus' or inappropriately focused perseveration has diminished a great deal. My relationship with my wife is improving, as she is noticing changes in me too. I'm very pleased with my progress.

I'm up to 40 mg of Strattera a day now, feeling good about it. Dry mouth from time to time but nothing a glass of water won't fix. At least I'm not suffering from limbs-falling-off side-effects.

I came across this video just now, and thought you might find it as interesting as I did:


Enjoy,

Cheers,

Mungo

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