My Recent Visit to the Clinical Psychologist - 45 Minutes of Hmm...

Last Wednesday afternoon, I met with the clinical psychologist who is part of the team of specialists tasked to conducting my Adult ADHD assessment.



I immediately liked him, he seemed very experienced and very curious about me. He stated that he had not yet reviewed my file. Bruno Bettelheim said that is was always best for a clinician to go into a first meeting without ever having read the case notes of someone else prior to a first meeting, in order to avoid unconscious expressed opinions (found even in the most fact-driven notes). Perhaps that's the reason he didn't read mine.



We spoke as though we had met at a friend's house during a party. He asked a lot of questions, and I felt more and more comfortable with each question. He focused on my current life, on the last year or two, and asked about my symptoms. He asked a lot about the significant people in my life - my immediate family, but focused more on my family in which I grew up.

He said that it sounds like after all of my reading, I had diagnosed myself. I hesitated, because I didn't know how to answer that. I squirmed a bit. After all, a lay person can't diagnose themselves or anyone for that matter, in the same way that they can't conduct an official arrest or absolve someone of their sins, or certify a bridge is sound and can take road traffic. They don't have the role authority, nor have they got the relevant experience. I cannot therefore utter the performative phrase "You are diagnosed with this psychiatric condition".



I replied that having read book X, Y, and Z, after a previous therapist with experience in ADHD had suggested I pursue an assessment and after having thought about many of my behaviours (I gave many that were criteria-based to the DSM-IV diagnosis), that pursuing a diagnosis through the clinic seemed the best thing to do.

He was explicitly complimentary, and that made me feel really good. He said I was obviously very psychologically minded and very sophisticated in my thought processes. It was nice to hear what sounded like an authentic compliment of certain qualities I believe I hold. In fact by the end of the 45 minute long meeting, in which I think I spoke about 80% of the time, I was feeling really good. And calm. And sane. And confident. And OK. Which ironically made me wonder if the doctor was really getting the guy who worries so much, who forgets so much, who can't perform like he thinks he should, who is clueless and desperate for some answers. The guy who procrastinates and can't focus in meetings with more than one other person, who hops about thought processes like a lumberjack hops about on rotating logs in the strong currents of the Athabasca river.



He asked what I would like to get out of this process. I answered that I wanted to develop strong, consistent and controllable qualities of focus, follow-through, insight of chronology, and would like to overcome the behaviours and indeed self-opinions that hamper me at my work and those that hamper me in my personal life. Didn't know what else to say. "A cure" would have been disingenuous, but in the same way we all want to win the lottery and never have to worry again, I was tempted to answer "I want this crap to be cured". And I suspect he would have understood.

I was a little uncertain, as though I wasn't sure if a person with whom I had shared such secrets, would be interested in ever learning more about me. I asked him if he had any sort of feedback or a sense of me as it related to a possible diagnosis. He hedged and said that he would be speaking with the psychiatrist (who I would be meeting with next week) and reviewing my file with him and with the psychometrist I had previously engaged with.



That seemed reasonable, I thought. He gave me his business card, and told me to call him at any time if I had any questions prior to my next meeting. That was a nice expression of trust and caring, and I put the business card in my pocket.

I will be attending my next session this Tuesday, with a psychiatrist, and possibly with the psychometrist, to answer the same sort of questions I'd been posed in my first interview, but this time with the benefit of the first psychiatrist's notes on meeting with me.



Like most things that hold great interest for me, I am utterly fascinated with this process. I want it to be done already though so I can move on to the next steps. But I guess if patience is what the universe is suggesting for me, who am I to argue with the universe? After all, the universe made spitting cobras, and black holes, and arguing with the universe would seem hazardous. You never know what the universe will throw at you, you know.

Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday night, and for those ADHDers out there, I hope your journeys are progressing strongly.



Cheers,

Mungo

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